I went today to Popham Beach out in Phippsburg, and while it was a beautiful day, and the waves were very dramatic, and I was very glad to be there, and I would have loved to stay there all morning, I quickly became very tired, and had to pee, and it was all I could do to get to the outhouse and then back to the car. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep. I kept thinking how much I hate MS.
Driving home, I thought that perhaps the worst thing about multiple sclerosis for me is all of the negativity it leaves me with. It is very hard to talk to people about how hard it is, when taking a walk on the beach becomes a big ordeal that I have to cut short and ruins me for the rest of the day. When people ask how I’m doing, even if they really do want to know, I don’t like to start in on how angry it makes me, or how hard it is not to get completely discouraged, or how it feels to enter into something as simple as walk on the beach knowing that it will end with complete exhaustion. I don’t know how to deal with all the negative emotion. I came home, lay down in bed, and slept for an hour. I could easily have slept all afternoon. I know that rest is very important, but I always feel like I’m wasting the weekend if I spend too much time in bed resting.
Have I mentioned lately how much I hate MS?