i’m angry at multiple sclerosis

i don’t remember what the seven steps of the grieving process are, but i think i’ve successfully navigated thru acceptance. i don’t still think the doctors have made a mistake, i don’t think i have some other disorder that mimics multiple sclerosis – i’m pretty well convinced it’s ms. it still occasionally depresses me, but i can usually get on top of that one.

right now, it’s anger. i’m doing all this p.t., exercises for strength and stretches, and now she wants me to add some tai chi and maybe a leg brace, and has hinted that losing weight would be a big help – and it is exhausting, and i hate it. the “workout” is a bother, having to get up a half hour earlier in the morning to fit it in, and then doing the whole thing again in the evening. it serves as reminder, which i really don’t need, that i have this progressive disease.

mostly, it’s not the workout itself, that’s a bother but not really a big deal. i am angry that i have to do this, that i have to go through this process, that i have to do all this stretching and strength excersizes and all that, that i have to reduce my work schedule due to fatigue, and that i have to add all these accomodations to my life – and even after all of that, i still can’t do all of the things i used to do. can’t go for long walks, can’t climb even little bradbury mountian, can’t cut my own firewood. i have to sit down in the shower, and i am tired all the time.

i’m just angry at this farging disease. i go to the p.t. clinic, and i see people who have lost limbs, and i see children who will likely never walk, and i am reminded how small my disability is. in the larger scheme of things, i am a lucky man to have such small problems to deal with.

but i am still angry in my small universe for what multiple sclerosis has done to me, what it has taken from me, and how it has affected my family, both immediate and extended. i am angry that it has given my children worries about their father that they should not have to deal with, i am angry that it has complicated my wife’s life. it feels petty and small and selfish of me sometimes, but nonetheless, i am angry at multiple sclerosis. not very often, but at least today.


9 thoughts on “i’m angry at multiple sclerosis

  1. “i’m doing all this p.t., exercises for strength and stretches, and now she wants me to add some tai chi and maybe a leg brace, and has hinted that losing weight would be a big help – and it is exhausting, and i hate it.”

    Indeed. Even more frustrating is watching others flit through life with barely a notice while we grind on under the weight.

  2. I am glad you use this place to get out your frustrations, which we have all felt. You are understood here and don’t need to apologize.

  3. Good.

    Now take that anger and turn the energy into something useful:

    I happen to have a small list of people I would love to have removed from the planet…

    …didn’t get them before MY anger wore out, and they are still a bother.

  4. Hang in there Stephen. Do something that brings a smile to your face this weekend. It’s a roller-coaster ride, Hope you’ll be out of the dip soon. I certainly understand how you feel.

  5. yes. yes, yes, and yes…you have said it all. anger and frustration. this disease sucks! it is such a crazy one too as it is so damn unpredictable. i am glad that you are getting this out. this is healthy to do. the next thing is to channel that anger into creative expression. success is the best revenge so…channel that energy into photography and writing and…whatever else you enjoy.

    but keep talking here. your friends are listening…like me.

  6. Hi Stephen: Just got back from vacation and catching up on my blog reading. I sympathize with your blog today — I was there about a week ago having my own pity party. Did you know that it is ok? OK to express anger? Well, it is and it is okay because it gets out of your whole body, mind and spirit into the universe at large and leaves your spirit strengthened because of letting it out. Anger only festers when it is kept in. And then it makes you ugly. And then it makes your personality change around your loved ones. And then you can’t stand yourself. So get it out – no limit on how often – just so that it is cleansing and you feel better for it.

    Just so you have some company in spirit, I went to a new doc on Friday and I will also be following a new regimen including going out of the house to a PT program 3 days a week, along with some other schedule busting stuff and I’m not mad, but I am annoyed because it cramps my style. (smile) More on my blog later, but suffice it to say, you may be feeling alone at your house but you are not alone in your feelings. You have many friends here in blog world. Anne

  7. Hi Stephen, I’m new to blogging my own blogs – and don’t advise you look yet! – but I’ve been reading yours for some time and want you to know I always enjoy, and/or empathise with, them. I have PPMS and live in London. What caused me to ‘comment’now was to hear how you are suffering. And working so hard! I do admire you and share, fully, with your anger. God bless. Love, Virginia

  8. “Anger” is just another one of our biochemically produced emotions…it is the same as the oxygen we exchange when we breath. We need it, sometimes even crave it, but eventually after it is used, we must exhale it.

    Sounds like you are going with the “flow” of things in your life and, although not always pleasant I’m sure, I appauld your tenacity.

    Linda D. in Seattle

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