i don’t remember what the seven steps of the grieving process are, but i think i’ve successfully navigated thru acceptance. i don’t still think the doctors have made a mistake, i don’t think i have some other disorder that mimics multiple sclerosis – i’m pretty well convinced it’s ms. it still occasionally depresses me, but i can usually get on top of that one.
right now, it’s anger. i’m doing all this p.t., exercises for strength and stretches, and now she wants me to add some tai chi and maybe a leg brace, and has hinted that losing weight would be a big help – and it is exhausting, and i hate it. the “workout” is a bother, having to get up a half hour earlier in the morning to fit it in, and then doing the whole thing again in the evening. it serves as reminder, which i really don’t need, that i have this progressive disease.
mostly, it’s not the workout itself, that’s a bother but not really a big deal. i am angry that i have to do this, that i have to go through this process, that i have to do all this stretching and strength excersizes and all that, that i have to reduce my work schedule due to fatigue, and that i have to add all these accomodations to my life – and even after all of that, i still can’t do all of the things i used to do. can’t go for long walks, can’t climb even little bradbury mountian, can’t cut my own firewood. i have to sit down in the shower, and i am tired all the time.
i’m just angry at this farging disease. i go to the p.t. clinic, and i see people who have lost limbs, and i see children who will likely never walk, and i am reminded how small my disability is. in the larger scheme of things, i am a lucky man to have such small problems to deal with.
but i am still angry in my small universe for what multiple sclerosis has done to me, what it has taken from me, and how it has affected my family, both immediate and extended. i am angry that it has given my children worries about their father that they should not have to deal with, i am angry that it has complicated my wife’s life. it feels petty and small and selfish of me sometimes, but nonetheless, i am angry at multiple sclerosis. not very often, but at least today.