never go back

i have told myself this before, and i am obviously not a good taker of my own advice, because i keep doing it. never go back into old journals, or, in this case, old postings to your blog. i just spent a few minutes looking at old blog postings, and was embarrassed by my pronouncements that i was going to do the swank diet, that i was going to do macrobiotics, that i was going to do this that or the other thing. the result, here today, is that i have done none of those things. it’s almost like once i write it down, i seem to give myself some sort of permission not to actually do it. i have noticed this trend in the journal that i have been keeping for quite a few years – writing about grand plans and schemes that i never seem to actually do.

i finally decided, about a year ago, to only write in the journal about things i was actually doing or had already done. no more “i’m gonna do this,” or “i’m gonna do that.” i tend to write less (ha) but at least i am not filling pages with plans that, in some part of me, i know i’ll never do. and as far as the historical record goes, at least it is more accurate.

so i apply that same rule to this blog. i won’t write any more about gonnas. only about things i’m currently doing or things i have already done. like this – i have not smoked in about three weeks. i quit the habit about 20 years ago, but i’d been smoking off and on since, in recent years about three or four cigarettes a day. for the most part, i really enjoyed those three or four, but it just seemed like such a foolish thing to do. so i decided to see what it felt like to give them up. i have to say, it doesn’t really feel very different. i still have, and probably always will have, the craving, but all i tell myself is i won’t have one right now. i don’t go the “i’ll never smoke again” route, because that may not be true. i just won’t smoke one right now, or i won’t smoke any today.

that was step one in reclaiming my health. so far, i have not noticed any difference, but i know my insides are happier not to have all that smoke filtering thru them. my next step is stopping the after-dinner eating. and i’m not going to write about that until i actually do it.

anywho, i’m working on taking control of my health, and my life. one tiny step at a time. it takes longer that way, but, at least for me, has more chance of success. like i keep telling myself, patience, grasshopper.

i watched house the other night, which i rarely do (he annoys the heck out of me) (hugh laurie, by the way, is a brilliant comic actor – look for episodes of his old bbc show “a bit of fry and laurie,” hysterical pre-monty python schtick.) and noticed that one of the patients was (mis)diagnosed with ms – the doctors rushed off to administer interferons, as if rushing to do so would make a quick difference in the patient. which we all know it won’t. at the same time, another doc administered a course of steroids for some other (mis)diagnosis, which angered the head doc, as he felt it screwed everything up. i would have thought that the response to ms would have been steroids, if a quick result was wanted. i am always interested to see ms portrayed on tv, as it is almost always misused. the exception was the west wing, where the president has ms and was very accurately presented.

anywho, hope you are all enjoying the lovely fall weather.


Author: Stephen

Stephen Harris is a writer, painter and a photographer who lives with his family in Maine.

3 thoughts on “never go back”

  1. You’ll stop having cravings for a cigarette. I quit when my first daughter was born, and the cravings went completely away after a year. Occasionally, I get one, but only for 5 minutes and is easy to ignore. You’ll get there.

    Oh; and A Bit of Fry and Laurie is post-Monty Python, not pre. But they’re both pretty good.

  2. I too quit smoking years ago.

    I guess when you are around people who smoke and it realllllly bothers you, then you are cured of the craving. (smile)

    Re: House – the show annoys me too and I don’t watch it unless the promo says something of interest to me. I missed the MS show but it is ok, because I probably would have sat and yelled at the TV for the mistakes they made. The other show that ticks me is on Discovery Health called Mystery Diagnosis — they stretch it out till the last 5 minutes to tell you what the dx was, just like on House.

    Sounds like New Years’ Resolution time is coming early for you, LOL

    Take care,

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