how bad?

the thing i keep coming back to is that the worst thing about ms (and this is a revelation that you have probably already arrived at) is the not knowing. not knowing where the journey is going. i wish that ms would just show itself to me, to stop playing this cruel and horrible game of hide and seek, and just get it over with. i want to know how bad it is going to get. i can deal with the fact that i can’t climb mountains or ski any more, and i can deal with the almost imperceptible creeping fatigue. i can even deal with not being able to play the guitar for more than five minutes before my hands can’t make the right shapes.

but i am finding it very difficult to deal with the suspense. how bad is it going to get? am i going to be in a wheelchair? am i going to be blind? or is my current state as bad as it is going to get? i am usually the kind of person who prefers the journey to the destination, but this not a pleasant journey and i am anxious for the destination. i just want to know. you know?


Author: stephen

stephen harris is a writer, painter and a photographer who lives with his family in maine.

2 thoughts on “how bad?”

  1. They told me I would end up in a wheelchair, and I don’t doubt it. However, that was some 12 years ago. While not exactly waiting, I still expect it, as I say.

    Frankly, no hurry.

  2. I remember feeling that way and it was frightening and debilitating. I don’t really know when it stopped being that way for me, but I’m glad I have moved past it. I lost a lot of my “identity” when I lost the ability to do and be who I thought I was. But THAT all isn’t really who I am. I don’t really worry about what the future holds anymore. We never really had control over that issue before MS, we just thought we did.

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