i sit in my little cube all day at work, and think that when i get home tonight, i’ll write something in my blog. i don’t know what that will be, but it gives me something to look forward to. then i get home, feeling strung out not only from work (i am a csr, answering the phone, taking orders from customers. it is difficult being tired, and having to say and listen to the same things all day long, and occasionally get abused by some angry rich lady, and every time i answer the phone, having to be cheerful. i have had customers say i sound like i’ve had a hard day.), and strung out from the ritalin (which is really just speed) that i have to take to stay sharp and attentive, and strung out from the whole-body effort of driving my car (i am going for an evaluation in a few weeks, the first step toward getting legal hand controls) – and i come in the door, and usualy go lie down until dinner, then watch the news, and then i usually am just too beat to do anything but maybe take a shower, lie in bed, read, and go to sleep.
so i sit down tonight (hoping i can stay up long enough to watch “the office”) to write something, tho i don’t know what it will be.
the other night, my wife and i were talking about the proceeds from her mother’s estate, and what we wanted to do with them. first we earmarked a bunch for our kids – college expenses, and such – and then some for the deck/patio we are adding on to the back of our house, and some for retirement accounts and investments. and then we talked about the biggest chunk, which will come from the sale of her house. we thought about putting it into stocks, or municipal bonds, or something like that. then my smart wife suggested maybe we should look into buying a condo in town, something we could rent, and eventually move into. we both agreed that we wanted to stay in our house at least until both kids were done with college, but we talked about the unpredictablity of my ms, and how, who knows, i might be “strapped to a board,” (my short-hand for the worst-case scenario) sooner than we think, and living in a two-story house (three if we count the basement, where my “office” is) might become a problem. having a place to go already in the works would make the transition so much easier. and with prices and interest rates so low these days, maybe investing in a condo might be a good idea.
which is a long winded way of saying that, as much as ms impacts my life, and changes the way i do things, and the way i look at my future, so too does it change my wife’s life, and the way she sees her future. for all we know, my ms might never get any worse than it is now, i might never need that wheelchair, and going upstairs might never be more than a bit of an effort. but we don’t know. i don’t know what i’m going to be faced with, and she doesn’t know what she’ll have to deal with.
it’s different for us in that i have no choice but to deal with whatever is thrown at me – as mobile as i am today or strapped to a board tomorrow. i’m stuck with this body. but she has a choice, when you come right down to it. she doesn’t have to live with ms. not that i think she’d leave me, but she has to choose every day to live with ms, or not. i don’t know if that makes it harder for her or not. i’m not sure that, knowing what i know, i’d choose to live with it.
so every day when i stagger in from the garage, i count my blessings that not only is she still here, but she greets me cheerfully, tells me to go rest, and makes me dinner. i am blessed that she chooses to stay.