fed up

well, i don’t know where this came from, but yesterday i realized that i had had it. i do not want to be tied to using a cane or walker, or be stuck in a wheelchair, or spend the rest of my life stumbling and struggling not to fall over. i’m sick of having to struggle to get out of my chair, etc. i feel like i’ve done everything the doctors have told me to do, and still it gets worse. it’s like doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time – isn’t that the definition of insanity?

now, maybe this is just the way it is and will be, that i will get progressively worse and more feeble until i can’t walk or drive a car or work – or anything. but there has to be be something that will make a difference. i believe the human body has remarkable healing powers, if only we would get out of the way and let it heal. i feel like all these drugs are only getting in the way.

the two things that come to mind are homeopathy and macrobiotics. homeopathic theory as i understand it, is that disease (read “dis-ease”) is a basic imbalance in the body that manifests itself in ear infections, allergies, other chronic illness. if these are treated symptomatically, which is what we usually do – take an aspirin for a headache – it does nothing for the underlying imbalance, and only suppresses the “expression” of that imbalance. push it down over here, it will pop up again over there. until the imbalance is treated – the wholistic approach – expressions of the imbalance, in the form of infections, colds, flu, etc., will keep appearing. i’ve heard plenty of stories from parents who were going to put tubes in the ears of their ear-infected children, only to try homeopathy instead and never have an issue with ear infections again. conventionally, we deal with the symptoms, and think, oh, good, that drug “cured” that infection, when all it did was suppress the underlying imbalance, which will express itself again in some other fashion. that’s how i understand it, and i think it makes a lot of sense – and can even be applied to larger organisms, like the human population and violence or poverty.

anyway, i feel like if i put simple, unadulterated food into my body, food that effectively allows my body to not be burdened with processing nasty drugs, chemicals and hormones and pesticides and other stuff that is in processed food, then it will be more able to heal itself. maybe too simplistic, but i always thought the simplest answer was usualy the right one. so – i’m feeling the need to vastly simplify my  diet. no more meat, sugar, additives, etc. the macrobiotic diet makes a lot of sense to me. anyway, i’ve tried going down this path before, and found it very difficult when living with people who do not eat the same way. but i will try to use the anger i feel toward what has happened to my body and my strong desire to heal as much as i can to keep on it this time. maybe i actualy will.

homeopathy, i don’t know if it can do anything for me, beyond the theory (which i may have all wrong). unfortunately, dealing with people trained in this stuff, trained to offer advice and direction, are expensive and never covered by insurance.

anyway, i felt so fed up yesterday – the thought of not doing certain things because they were too hard – getting in and out of the car, walking, etc., just really made me angry. and i felt that i had been too passive, accepting what the “doctors” had been telling me – people who, not to get too cynical, but people who’s mission is, underneath it all, to keep me coming back and paying them. what incentive do they have for helping me get healthy? maybe they are right, maybe my destiny is fixed in a slow decline and there is nothing i can do about it, but maybe they’re not, maybe i can do at least something to move in a direction of healing. i have no idea how to get there, or even where to start, but i’m going to go cook up a big pot of brown rice, and start cleaning up the way i eat. no more chocolate chips.

it is actualy a sunny day today – it is my cat rex’s 15th birthday today – so that is good. maybe i will sit out in the sun and read. so there.

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Author: Stephen

Stephen Harris is a writer, painter and a photographer who lives with his family in Maine.

2 thoughts on “fed up”

  1. I think you may be right aout the drugs. I have my doubts so I don’t take any. I try to eat healthy, be positive and excercise. So far it is working for me as long as I don’t overdo it. I do see a holistic practitioner and she helps guide my decision making. I have an MRI this week and I am hoping for the best.

    Don’t give up hope. Things may still resverse themselves for you. I have heard about folks in your condition improving again. In fact, I have a young friend with MS who was walking with a cane and now he is doing yoga and talking about rock climbing again.

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