i have the fantasy of living someplace with no stress, quiet, space, comfort. eating very simply and cleanly – fruit, vegetables, brown rice, maybe a toasted bagel every now and then. sleeping when i am sleepy, getting up when i am not sleepy. and no meds. allow symptoms to be what they are, to play themselves out, to leave them alone and see where they go. i have accepted the ethos of leaping to medicate any symptom, any function of my body that is deemed by some doctor or other – or me – to be in need of correcting or changing. that goes for depression, it goes for my leg cramps, it goes for my blood pressure, it goes for headaches. what would happen if i just let the muscle cramps be, and stopped filling myself with drugs that often (but not always) make the cramps bearable and allow me to sleep, but also contribute to my difficulty with walking, with balance and with coordination. yes, i have to sleep at night so that i can go to work in the morning. but what if i could just let the cramps alone, what if i didn’t have to get up and go to work in the morning?
i guess what i really want to know is what else are these meds doing to me beyond dealing with, however imperfectly, the reasons i take them? what else does klonapin do to me besides (sometimes, if i take enough) make my leg muscles relax? i still have a very hard time getting comfortable in bed – i can get comfortable enough to sleep, if i am tired enough – and in the morning, it still feels like i have been climbing a mountain all night. and how would i feel if i let what drugs i have in me now to run their course. i wonder how much of how i live contributes to how i feel, and then take drugs to make me not feel that way.
and if i simplified my life as close as i could to its basics, would those symptoms go away?
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