working through a bit of angst these days. everything in my life changed, rather suddenly, on jan. 1 (when i left work) and it’s just catching up to me now. i find myself asking myself, what am i supposed to do now? there are days that are just endless boredom. photography – a centerpiece of my life for so long – now just feels like masturbation (pardon my french.) i do it, and i sometimes enjoy it, but my own personal pleasure just doesn’t seem to be enough any more. i don’t know what i want out of it – i guess other people enjoying my “work” as much as i do would be nice. i tried making photographs in my little basement studio, but that got a bit boring – photography for me has always been about what i call “accepting light,” finding interesting light that exists out in the world and, well, accepting it into my camera. the studio stuff was more about creating the thing to be photographed rather than the photography – it was more about creating the light than accepting it, if that makes any sense. and i found i have little talent or patience for that.
so i tried painting, something i had never done before. it was fun for a little while, splattering old housepaint on boards. but it all began to look the same, like spin-art. not to mention that the studio is in the basement, and i just can’t do those stairs any more.
and the same with my writing. yeah, i get differing amounts of pleasure out of it, and that’s great. but is there anything beyond that? what’s the point? does there need to be a point? it reminds me of when i left paid employment to be the full-time dad for my kids. i lost the kind of external approval for what i was doing that i got from working for someone else – satisfied boss or client, a paycheck, etc. the same now – i can take pictures that I like, but there’s no boss or client approving or disapproving, no raise – ha, no paycheck at all – no peer approval, none of the external measures by which i was able to judge my performance. my own enjoyment just doesn’t seem to be enough any more.
and i probably could figure out the answer, if i gave it a little thought, but what am i supposed to do now? who am i now?