From the Forum

avatar200(I did not write this post. I found it in a discussion forum on Patients Like Me. Thanks, Tinkerbelle!)

When we say we can’t do something because we don’t feel well, put yourself in our shoes by using the examples of our symptoms below:

Painful Heavy Legs: Apply 20 LB ankle weights and 15 LB thigh weights then take a 1 mile walk, clean the house, go shopping and then sit down.

Painful Feet: Put unequal amounts of small pebbles in each shoe then take a walk.

Loss of Feeling in Hands and/or Arms: Put on extra thick gloves and a heavy coat then try and pick up a pencil. If successful stab yourself in the arm.

Loss of Feeling in Feet and/or Legs: Ask a doctor for a shot of Novocaine in both of your legs and then try and stand up and walk without looking like the town drunk. Don’t fall down.

TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia): Take an ice pick and jam it into your ear or cheek whenever the wind blows on it, or a stray hair touches it. If you want something easier to do, get someone to punch you in the jaw daily.

Uncontrollable Itching: Glue or sew small steel wool pads to the inside of your shirt, pants and undergarments. Wear them for an entire day.

Tingling: Stick your finger in an electrical socket, preferably wet.

Tight Banded Feeling: Put 12 inch wide belt around you and make is as tight as you can and leave it there for the entire day.

Shots: Fill a syringe with saline solution. Give yourself a shot everytime we do our shot.

Side Effects From the Shot: Bang your head against a wall, wrap yourself in a heating pad, wrap your entire body with an ace bandage, then treat yourself to some spoiled food or drink.

Trouble Lifting Arms: Apply 20 LB wrist weights and reach for something on the highest shelf in your house.

Spasticity: Hook bungee cords to your rear belt loops and pant leg cuffs. For your arms, hook bungee cords to your shirt collar and cuffs on shirt sleeves. Then go dancing.

Poor Hearing/Buzzing in Ears: Put a bee in each ear and then put a plug in each one.

Balance and Walking Problems: Drink 100 proof grain alcohol and then sit and spin in an office chair for 30 minutes.

Urgently Needing to Pee: There is a .5 litre remote controlled water bag and drip tube in your pants. You are at the mall where there are 2 restrooms. You have 30 seconds to get to a restroom before the water bag is activated. Or it might be 20 seconds, you won’t know. 

Bizarre and Inexplicable Sensations: Place tiny spiders on your legs or arms and allow them to periodically crawl around throughout the day.

Pins and Needles: Stab yourself repeatedly with needles all over your body. Alternatively, get a very large tattoo in your most sensitive area.

Dizziness (Vertigo): Get on a gently rocking boat all day and all night and take several walks around the deck with your eyes closed.

Fatigue: Stay awake for two full days to induce incredible fatigue and then cook dinner, clean the house, and walk the dog. 

Cognitive Function (Brain Fog): Take a liberal dose of sleeping pills but stay awake. Try to function properly and think clearly. To make it even more real, take the sleeping pills with a small sip of wine.

Bowel Problems: Take a 4 day dose of an anti-diarrhoea medicine followed directly by a 3 day dose of stool softeners for a minimum of 3 weeks. At the end of 3 weeks, sit down on a hard uncushioned chair and stay there till tears appear.

Burning Feeling: Make a full pot of boiling water, fill a squirt gun and shoot it at yourself all day long.

Intention Tremor: Hook your body to some type of vibrating machine. Try and move your legs and arms. You are not allowed to use anything fun for this lesson.

Buzzing Feeling When Bending Head to Chest (L’Hermitte’s Sign): Place an electrical wire on your back and run it all the way down to your feet, then pour water on it and plug it in.

Vision Problems (Optic Neuritis): Smear vaseline on glasses and then wear them to read the newspaper.

Memory Issues: Have someone make a list of items to shop for. When you come back that person adds two things to the list and then asks why you didn’t get them. When you come back from shopping again they take the list and erase three things and ask why you bought those things.

Foot Drop: Wear one swim fin and take about a 1/2 mile walk.

Depression: Take a trip to the animal shelter everyday and see all the lonely animals with no home. Get attached to one or more of the animals and when you come back the next day, come in while they are putting her/him asleep.

Fear: Dream that you have lost complete feeling in your feet and when you wake up to wiggle your feet, they don’t move. Think about this every night wondering whether something on your body won’t work the next day when you wake up.

Swallowing: Try swallowing the hottest chilli pepper you can find.

Heat Intolerance or Feeling Hot When it’s Really Not: You are on a nice vacation to Alaska. It’s 35° outside and 65° inside. Light a fire in the fireplace and get into it. Once you have reached about 110°, add all of the above symptoms.

After subjecting yourself to the items above, let everyone tell you that you are just under a lot of stress, it’s all in your head and that some exercise and counselling is the answer.


Author: stephen

stephen harris is a writer, painter and a photographer who lives with his family in maine.

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